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Tuesday, January 12, 2010

If you knew that you would never have your heart broken or be betrayed, imagine how much deeper you would be able to love and be loved. If you knew without a doubt that you would be prosperous and successful, imagine the weight that would be lifted, and the way you would embrace challenges, and life in general. I think this is the way we were intended to feel and live but life jades and changes us. So what is smarter? To live life with a trusting and open heart? Or, to live life careful and protected? What is better.. having a life filled with moments of perfect happiness accompanied by perilous sorrow? Or, would it just be better to live on an even guild and just experience average emotional peaks?? I feel like I have a trigger that goes off in me when ever I feel anything above average.. that says.. "MISTY! Analyze the situation... find the root of your emotion and control it!" I spend more time trying to control my emotions that I do actually experiencing them.

It is a truly helpless feeling when you know you cannot control your emotions.. In the "dating world" people always accuse the opposite sex of playing games. I don't know that I would agree that is what is actually happening. I think in most cases one person will feel themselves falling too hard, or they will feel that helplessness, and immediately they put up some wall. The wall can be manifested in many ways, for people to misconstrue as "games". I put up walls to protect myself because I am the only person who knows how fragile I actually am. Almost every guy I have dated has told me at some point that I am shut down emotionally or too tough. That image is important to me because I feel like if I put it out there, I will constantly hear the positive reinforcement that I am what I really struggle with being.

I struggle with acting on my fleeting emotional peaks and valleys in rash and immature ways, which logic tells me is wrong. I hope that one day my emotions will be healthy enough that I no longer need to spend so much time molding and controlling the way I react to them. I think that would bring me a lot closer to the way I am intended to experiance life love and happines...


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